What to Say and Not Say to Someone Unexpectedly Pregnant

If someone you know has just told you that they are unexpectedly pregnant, you might be feeling a mix of strong emotions. You might be happy, shocked, worried, angry, or a combination. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you may be feeling; everyone has a unique way of processing.

Yet it is important to remember that this is also a very sensitive and personal situation for the person who is pregnant. They have chosen to share this information with you and that shows trust. They might be feeling scared, excited, confused, overwhelmed, or hopeful. They might not know what to do next or how to cope with their feelings. They need your support and compassion, not your judgment or criticism.

Sometimes finding the words can be difficult, especially if there are a lot of emotions involved. So, how can you communicate with your pregnant friend in a healthy, supportive way? Here are some things to say and not say to someone with an unexpected pregnancy.

DO: Offer words of support. 

One of the most important things you can do is to let them know that you care about them and that you are there for them. Saying phrases like, “I’m here for you” or “You’re not alone” can mean a lot to someone who is going through a stressful time. It shows that you care about them and that you are willing to listen and help in any way you can, and gives them the space to share their thoughts and feelings without feeling pressured or rushed.

DON’T: Add to the pressure. 

For many, unplanned pregnancies bring a wave of anxiety and pressure. Avoid judging, criticizing, shaming, or blaming them for their circumstances, or pressuring them to make a certain decision.

Instead, listen to their feelings and concerns, and affirm their strengths and abilities. It is important to validate their emotions and personhood, even if you don’t agree with their lifestyle or decisions. Remind them that they are valuable as a person regardless of their circumstances and worthy of respect.

DO: Ask intentional questions.

Almost no one likes to be told what to do, so get in the habit of asking, instead of telling. Effective question-asking can often help the other person feel heard and validated without requiring you to say “the right thing.”

Asking neutral or encouraging open-ended questions–those that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no–can show that you’re interested in having a conversation with them and considerate of their feelings and thoughts. Ensure that you’re not embedding your own judgments or values in the questions.

Examples of good questions include: 

• How are you feeling?
• What would help you be more at peace?
• Could you help me understand what you mean?
• Can you tell me more about that? 
• How can I help you explore your options?
• Have you considered                ? Walk me through your thought process. 

Don’t ask questions like: 

• Are you sure you’re ready for this?
• How would you know what’s best for you?
• How could you put yourself in this situation? 
  

DON’T: Offer unsolicited advice.

When someone is going through a difficult time, unsolicited advice might leave them feeling misunderstood, untrusted, invalidated, and unseen, even if it is well-intentioned. Unless they ask for your opinion or guidance, don't assume that you know what is best for them or their situation.

Respect their autonomy and their right to make their own choices. You can help them explore their options and resources but don't try to influence or manipulate them.

DO: Be honest and set boundaries.

Setting boundaries and limits on how much you can help or be involved is one of the best ways to support someone well. No one can pour from an empty cup! Communicate clearly and realistically about what you can offer and what you can't, and maintain the integrity of your boundaries. 

It can be tempting to make promises that will soothe the other person in the moment and offer peace. However, if you cannot keep those promises or if they are untrue, it may cause resentment or stress for both of you. 

It is essential to remember that you are not likely not a licensed mental health professional and it isn't your job to provide treatment to someone who is going through a hard time. Your role is to support and encourage, and this may include helping them seek support from a counseling center or another medical professional.

DON’T: Lose the relationship in the situation.

An unplanned pregnancy can be isolating and emotionally draining, and if every interaction you and the other person have is about their pregnancy, the relationship may lose its magic.



Help keep their spirits up, and offer time for rest and fun! You can help your friend or loved one cope by being a positive presence in their life. Share some fun activities, humor, or distractions with them. Remind them of their hopes and dreams and celebrate their achievements and milestones.

DO: Seek out resources while reserving judgments. 

Providing support and understanding to someone facing an unplanned pregnancy can make a significant difference in their life. It is crucial to approach the situation with empathy, compassion, and an open mind. You can help your friend or loved one find the ones that suit their needs and preferences. Remember, this is a time when your friend or loved one needs your unwavering support more than ever.

Explore Better Clarity's activities to access valuable resources and guidance on how to support your friend or loved one through their unexpected pregnancy. By empowering yourself with knowledge and understanding, you can play a crucial role in their journey and be a pillar of strength during this challenging time.