Caring for Yourself While Supporting Someone Unexpectedly Pregnant

When someone trusts you enough to ask for your support, it can often feel like a great honor. But, it can be easy to overcommit or lose yourself along the way, even when you have the best of intentions. 

Supporting someone during an unexpected pregnancy is a significant challenge that involves a whirlwind of emotions, not only for the person who is pregnant but also for those around them. That’s why it's essential to look after your own well-being, too. By caring for yourself, you can be an effective support for others. When you explore how to care for yourself while also helping someone experiencing an unexpected pregnancy navigate their new reality, you are giving them the gift of healthy support.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

First, remember that it is normal to have a complex mix of emotions about any situation. While the person you’re supporting may be processing their emotions with you, make sure to take time privately to think about how you’re feeling, too. 

Recognize your feelings as valid and give yourself permission to work through them. You might experience conflicting emotions, and that’s okay. When you give yourself the space to process your feelings, you become more in touch with yourself. This self-awareness is the foundation of providing thoughtful and grounded support. 

Create a Safe Space

Although your feelings are valid, they need to be processed in a way that doesn’t overshadow the needs of the person you’re supporting.

Active listening is often a helpful technique. This means giving them your full attention, acknowledging their feelings without judgment, and offering empathy. It’s about creating a safe space where they can express themselves freely. 

If their choices or feelings about the pregnancy are different from yours, it’s important to respect their autonomy. Supporting someone is not about agreeing with them; it’s about showing compassion and understanding. There may be times when something is said and you’re not sure what to say. It's okay to not have all the answers. Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do is to simply be there and listen.

Take Time to Process

Some support people find it difficult to support without trying to direct their decisions. It's okay to share your thoughts when you’re asked, but sharing unsolicited advice can feel hurtful for the receiver even when you mean well. Make sure that the words you share are guided by their needs and not your own personal beliefs. 

Balancing this can be challenging! Caring for yourself when you really want to share something they may not be ready or willing to hear can look like finding a private outlet. 

Journaling can be an important tool. It allows you to process your thoughts and emotions in a safe, private space. Taking 5 minutes to write your thoughts, feelings, and experiences can provide clarity, relieve stress, and help you understand your feelings more deeply.

Set Healthy Boundaries

The art of setting boundaries can feel complicated, but is always necessary when supporting someone. Clear boundaries help define how much you can give without compromising your well-being. Because each person is unique, one person’s healthy boundary may be different from another’s. There is not just one way to support someone well. 

However, what people draw boundaries around is often similar. When setting your limits, consider the following topics and questions: 

• Emotional Availability: "How much emotional energy can I realistically offer? When am I available to provide emotional support without compromising my own well-being or the well-being of those I am already responsible for?"
• Physical Presence: "What are my limits around my physical presence? How involved am I willing to be in appointments or support activities?"
• Financial Support: "What level of financial assistance am I comfortable offering, if anything?”
• Decision-Making Involvement: "To what extent should I involve myself in the decision-making process? Can I support their autonomy while offering my perspective in a respectful manner? If so, how?"
• Privacy and Confidentiality: "What are my boundaries regarding privacy and confidentiality? How can we agree on what information is shared and with whom?"
• Personal Space and Time: "How will I make sure that I keep enough personal space and time to recharge and attend to my own needs and responsibilities?"
• Emotional Processing: "How can I acknowledge and process my own emotions about this situation, and what support might I need for myself?"

Working through these kinds of questions is essential to supporting someone well. Once you have answers for yourself, it’s important to communicate these boundaries clearly and with kindness. Setting and sticking to these limits is not a failure, but a mark of self-awareness and respect for both you and the person you’re supporting. 

Check In with Yourself Regularly

Boundaries can be flexible. They can change based on your capacity and the evolving needs of the person you're supporting. Be prepared for the situation to shift. Decisions and feelings about the pregnancy can change.

Regular check-ins with yourself can make a big difference. Spend some time alone and evaluate your feelings and energy levels. If you’re feeling drained, think through what areas may be most exhausting for you and consider revising a boundary. 

As you set and reflect on your boundaries, remember that these limits help create a healthy dynamic for you and the person you’re supporting. It's a way to ensure that the support you offer is sustainable. Remember, it's okay to take a step back when needed and to encourage the person you're supporting to explore other sources of support too.

Prioritize Self-Care

Supporting someone through an unexpected pregnancy can be a deeply affecting experience. Engaging in self-care practices is key to maintaining your physical, emotional, and mental health. 

Identify activities that rejuvenate and ground you, and make time for them. This could be anything from yoga, meditation, or exercise, to pursuing a hobby, reading, or spending time in nature.

When big emotional ups and downs come, practicing stress management techniques can help you release the pressure. Practicing deep breathing exercises, mindfulness meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation often help you regain balance and control. 

Caring for yourself is not selfish. Maintaining a routine as much as possible can provide a sense of normalcy and control, allowing you to offer stable support. Taking care of your physical and emotional health ensures you have the energy to show up and be present.

Find Your Own Support Network

It's also important to stay connected with your support network. Turn to trusted friends, family, or professionals who can offer you guidance, listen to your concerns, or simply give you a respite from the situation. Sharing your experiences can provide a different perspective and emotional relief. 

Leaning on others for support strengthens your ability to be there for the person you're helping. However, if you find the situation too overwhelming, seeking professional help from a counselor or therapist is a great step towards self-care.

Give Yourself Grace

Supporting someone through an unexpected pregnancy is a complex journey that requires compassion, understanding, patience, and reflection. If you feel as if you’ve messed up or aren’t doing enough, give yourself grace and reassurance. You are learning to be the best supporter, and it’s okay to grow along the way. Celebrate the small wins, and offer encouragement for each challenge. 

If you find yourself overwhelmed, don't hesitate to seek additional support for yourself. Remember, you're not alone in this – your compassion and understanding make a big difference.